Saturday, May 14, 2011

To My Unborn Child(ren): A (Brief) Manifesto

You have yet to meet me. I have known of you for almost 9 months. I have felt your kicks, your hiccups and your movements inside my body. I stare at Jeremy and Bekah's bellybuttons and realize that I am forever connected to them by what seems like an inconsequential thing. I will also be connected to you this way. By the time you enter my hospital room, I will have already been anxious about you, already worried about how you'll fit into the family, already thinking about how those first few months home will go.

I am your mom and I am a broken person. I tend to watch the same shows over and over again. I like to listen to contemplative music when the house is quiet. I prefer the cold to the heat. I have eaten eggs almost every morning for the past few years. I like being up late at night because the house is quiet and I have a chance to be alone with my thoughts. I was fortunate enough to marry my best friend, your father. I cry about things that other people don't find too sad.

I have spent a long time wondering what you will look like. I don't care if you are a boy or a girl; you are already imprinted in my mind and on my heart. I will be your mother until you draw your last breath. There is nothing that you could do to make me stop loving you. Sometimes I may do things that may anger you, but I will do them to protect you. I will discipline you because I want you to feel safe in the boundaries of our home and my love. I am going to make mistakes raising you, of this I am sure. I will be impatient and grumpy sometimes. I may drag my feet to come and feed you in the middle of the night. The mood on my face may not reflect it, but there is a deep and abiding love in my heart for you. I don't want you to ever have to doubt that about me.

I want you to know that you are going to be beautiful no matter how you look. I will gaze upon your face often and reflect on that fact. I will know every contour of your face, of the shape of your ears, where you're ticklish and where you might have gotten a booboo. I will do my best to feed you well, give you baths and smother you with as many kisses as I can manage.

There will be several years during your life that you will feel wonky. You will want me to hug you, but won't ask for a hug because you're too cool. I will respect the space between us, but know that I am always going to want to give you some affection. You will not know how to talk to me about difficult subjects. I confess I may not want to discuss difficult subjects. But I will pray for wisdom; I will do my best to listen without prejudice and give you advice or information or just be quiet. I hope that you are able to bring things to me. I hope that you are able to feel my love for you, even when the emotional chasm between us is great.

I want you to know that the world is full of broken people. You are going to meet a lot of them, like most of them and love a few of them. All people have infinite worth. I have found that those whom I can't stand the most are most like me. Pray over difficult people. Ask God to help them. Ask God for good things to happen to them. Give them the benefit of the doubt and a polite smile, even if just the sight of them makes you want to travel to the other side of the room.

Try as hard as you can to start the day smiling, even if you don't feel like it (and there are many mornings that you won't). When you are at the end of your emotional rope, go to sleep. Things always look better in the morning. Nothing good happens after 10 PM, so make sure you're where you're going to be for the night at that point (and then stay there). Pray for humility so that if you have had to much to drink, you can hand over the keys or take a taxi. Peace breeds peace, so avoid people who speak angrily or seem ready to fight at any moment. Try to be kind to everyone you meet; even a small act of kindness for a stranger can have a profound effect.

Jeremy and Bekah are excited to meet you, too. They are little, though, so you should know that their moods are capricious and they are not yet able to express everything well. They might not always have kind things to say about you. Just you being with me will make them jealous. They will not now how to handle such a little person, so you may be poked and prodded. You may have too many toys dumped on top of you. You may get a lot of kisses one moment and a scowl the next. They are broken people too, but they will also be connected to you because I'm their Mommy. You will have a long time to figure out how to best relate to them. Watch them as much as you can, because they're funny. They like to run around and chase each other. They like to give lots of kisses and hugs to me (for the moment). They get jealous of each other. They like silly shows and Jeremy especially enjoys watching the same shows over and over again. They're quirky, but I'm sure they will be good at being big brother and big sister.

You have two dogs, Scout and Rascal. Scout is very needy and she's not going to be sure what to do with herself when you get home. When I am nursing you, she will be sitting very close to me. She likes to have her belly scratched. She wanders around the neighborhood when she feels like we aren't paying enough attention to her. She eats food and loves to give sloppy kisses to everyone. Rascal, on the other hand, is afraid of his shadow. He will probably be terrified of you for at least the first 2 years of your life. He likes to have the black spot on his back (near his tail) scratched. He also likes to scavenge for food, but he is less likely to cover you with sloppy kisses.

Little one, I can't wait for you to come and meet me. I can feel you wedged under my ribcage right now. It's not the most comfortable thing in the world, but at least I know you're there. I've probably left a lot of things out here, but I feel like this is a good start. Until then.....