Monday, February 6, 2012

(In)Securities Fraud

If you asked someone about me, they would tell you I'm pretty self-confident. Kind, compassionate, empathetic. That's because I keep the whimpering, third-grade version of myself hidden very well. I have never been great at forming relationships; I especially sucked at it when I was in grade school. I never quite got the nuances of female-female relationships. I had a biting sense of humor, but I was unable to take any of the barbs I handed out like leaflets. I have only recently developed a sense of humor about myself. It was a long, hard road to be able to laugh the hardest at the mistakes I made. But I digress.

By middle school, I had started to carve out some friendships here and there. In eighth grade, I wasn't popular, but I ran with the most popular girl. I became and stayed her friend because I was willing to break up with her boyfriends for her. Not something about which I'm proud, but it helped me survive the awkward years. Unfortunately, in the middle of eighth grade we moved. I was supposed to have gone to Streamwood High, home of the Sabres. The friends I knew and had grown close to were going to Streamwood High. It was not to be; I graduated as a Maroon, an alum of Elgin High. My freshman year was the absolute worst. I was outspoken about religious matters and I might as well have built a barbed-wire fence around myself. Nobody wanted to hang out with me. I felt isolated and alienated. Even the few times I tried to reach out to people, it was awkward.

There was a bright spot; my biology class. I struck up a friendship with these guys, Devon and Chris. Nice, nice guys. I developed a crush on Devon and things seemed to be going pretty well. We went to Turnabout dance together and had a blast. It was, by far, one of my best high school memories. I, of course, mucked the whole thing up (but we'll talk about that on another day). 

But female relationships eluded me my entire high school career. I couldn't find any group that I could join. As it turned out, I was a nerd but not nerdy enough to join the smart kids. I swam, but wasn't really good enough to hang with the swimmers. I didn't drink or do drugs, so those guys were out. I wasn't a gangbanger, so I didn't fit there. In my junior and senior years, I got very involved with creative writing. In that world, it turns out I was pretty cool. I still didn't form any friendships, but at least it was my refuge from the bullies.

I sprinted toward college. I figured that I would find my niche. My ego got in the way of me being very successful academically, but it was then that I started forming female friendships. There was still an immaturity to how I dealt with women, but I was making efforts. I thought that I had to lavish people with gifts to be my friend. This would have worked, had it not been for the fact that money management was never my strong suit.

Some of the women I met at college are still my friends today. Facebook has done wonders to extend the shelf-life of some of the friendships, but these are women that came to my wedding and baby shower. I may not see them all the time, but these are women I consider confidants and miss a lot. I have not been perfect in these friendships. Immaturity in relationships comes out as temper tantrums. My college friends have seen the worst of it. I am not proud of how I've acted with these women and this blog is not an amends to them. They simply happened upon me in my nascent stages of friendship-building.

Over the past 11 years or so, I've honed my craft. I am now able to do some small talk, even though I don't prefer it. I have a good memory for details. My temper is not as bad as it used to be, although new friends have seen flare-ups of my temper. By new, I mean in the past seven years. More recently, I have been able to keep the flares down. The trade-off has been increased anxiety and insecurity. I have reverted to the more timid version of myself, questioning every communique. The world of technology hasn't done me any favors, as reading tone and intent through e-mails, Facebook and text messages is nearly impossible. 

My circle of close friends has seen some turnover in recent years. There are various reasons for that, and I am not at liberty to discuss all of them. What I've carved out now is a nice inner circle. It's quite a rag-tag group of women. They are all wonderful. They have come through for me in some very tight situations. I think they would all say, though, that I'm a fairly confident person. Luckily, I've got them all fooled.

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