Emptiness

I don't feel like I have any words that can illuminate the human condition today. It was a very draining day. I had to give Jeremy another "special" bath today. It involves sitting him in the tub, no toys, with warm water. I have to pour hydrogen peroxide over his head wound, let it sit and then rinse with warm water. This is under the direction of a physician, but I can assure you I feel like Dr. Mengele. In addition, because he has thick, long hair and freaks out at the mention of a haircut, I did my best to peel some of the hair off the wound and cut it. I wish I could have taped him because it would be enough to make even the toughest man cry. I ended up in a heap in my upstairs hallway, sobbing and holding him and apologizing profusely. Then I had to chase him around downstairs to give him his antibiotics (which are giving him diarrhea) and some ibuprofen for the pain. To top it off, I had to apply an ointment to his head wound. He is slightly bald-looking in that area, but I'm sure it will grow back in.

I broke down and asked Brian to help me take him to the doctor tomorrow. I hate to ask him to take time off because his boss always gives him a hard time. It makes no sense, as Brian is straight salary and it shouldn't matter when he takes off, but such is the way of life. I just couldn't see myself holding Jeremy down so his doctor can examine him. I am emotionally a wreck about the whole thing and that was my other concern; that I would just start sobbing uncontrollably in the doctor's office and have no one to drive the kids home. I can't guarantee that Brian won't cry, but I will at least have him there for moral support. I am dreading taking Jeremy in. My emotional health is so fragile right now. I am sore still from having to restrain him on Saturday; in addition, Bekah has decided she's a paraplegic and needs to be carried everywhere. I need to be firmer with her about it but just can't right now.

I saw someone at Corner Bakery sitting by themselves and reading a book. I was so, so jealous. I feel like lately I am unable to be away from my kids. I am at the point where I just can't handle any more illness in our house. I feel like I'm deep in the pit right now; not only do I feel like people aren't up at the top waiting to pull me out, I feel like I can't be pulled out because I'm so weighed down in caring for these two little people.

Additionally, we have to be in court on Thursday morning for the bankruptcy. I am anxious because I'm not sure how the logistics will work out. I want to leave Jeremy at daycare with his sister. My fear is that the doctor will say he shouldn't be around other kids until his head wound clears up. If that's the case, we will be dragging my 3 1/2-year-old to Rockford to wait for an indeterminate amount of time in a place that's not kid-friendly. I know that being anxious won't solve my problems, but that's emotionally where I'm at.

Hmm, I'm just a ray of sunshine today, huh?

I wonder what I'll write about next....