Mommyhoood

I am 33, I live in Crystal Lake, have two beautiful children and one on the way. I weigh more now than I did when I was married and am mostly okay with that. I haven't written anything of substance, even though in my head my thoughts tend to organize themselves into a narrative. I have always lived in relatively close proximity to Chicago. I recently visited San Diego and finally realized why people live there, in spite of the mudslides and earthquakes and craziness.

I am married to my best friend and the person I find the funniest in the world. He and I met almost 11 years ago and have been married for almost 6. We live in a 4-bedroom house smack dab in the middle of suburbia, with two dogs, Rascal and Scout and 4 guinea pigs, Cagney, Lacey, Pinky and Leather. Brian has had the honor of naming our most recent guinea pig additions, but admits that he will eventually run out of female name pairings for them.

In two weeks, we will travel to Rockford, be sworn in and have to testify as to our assets. We started bankruptcy proceedings a few months ago. It has been a fairly exhausting and mostly humiliating experience. We are victims of the housing and market crash, and not a day goes by when I don't secretly want to drive to the houses of the bankers we bailed out and throw rocks through their windows and write mean things in spray paint on their fancy cars. I lament that we have had to file bankruptcy, but I am grateful for the measure of humility I have to be able to admit that it's the only feasible solution we have. Brian has no compunction about it, but I think he would not hesitate to drive with me to commit acts of vandalism.

I am a Democrat and a Christian and I don't believe those are mutually exclusive. I am passionate about labor rights, illegal immigration, education and other things typically deemed bleeding heart. I don't apologize for my views. I was a lifelong Republican, pro-life, etc. I loathe that my choices are pro-life or pro-choice. As a mommy, I value my children's lives and it's never occurred to me to abort any of my children. However, as a feminist, I don't think a white male in Washington, D.C. should be deciding how I treat my body. My faith dictates free will and I think this should carry over to reproductive rights as well. I don't think you'll ever be able to build a wall tall enough to keep people from coming to this country illegally. This is especially true when you're running from what amounts to martial law in a country run by drug cartels. I hate how illegal immigrants are villainized and treated in this country. I can't stand how Americans treat human beings who look different from them.

I have never blogged before and am doing so at the insistence of my dad, who has always been my biggest fan. I wrote in high school and in college, but have set it aside because I didn't feel like I had anything to say. Maybe I don't, and maybe this will only be something a few people read to try to understand me better. Maybe, though, I will strike a chord with certain people. I don't fit into most moulds or categories (and am not sure why the spellchecker doesn't like the word mommy). I am not living the life I set out to live, but I've never felt better about that. I kept my maiden name when I got married and continue to be surprised when people can't understand why. I got married, yes, but I didn't become a different person. I am still Susan Nellie Carbajal and always will be.

I wonder what I will write about next...